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I rarely wear blue or red underwear. I’m afraid of what might happen if I were gang-raped by crips or bloods.

Goodbye, CSI. I like you, but you’re piling up on my TiVo, and the pressure to watch you is causing me stress.

I finally figured it out- my cat must be Mexican! That’s why he spends so much time trying to re-value the peso and watching soccer!

There’s nothing I hate more than cannibals who won’t eat the skin because it’s “fattening.”

I don’t want to brag, but In 1986 I was nominated for a daytime Emmy for my voice work as Snake Eyes in the G.I. Joe cartoon.

I’ll pretty sure I’ll die singing to a bomb, after confusing “McCartney” and “MacGyver” one last time.

2 minutes to make a hot pocket?! What am I, some kind of high-powered executive with a full time staff dedicated to hot pockets?!