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My paint-stained pants are distinctive, so I can’t wear them more than once in a row! My laundry schedule is fucked! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!!!

That gives me an idea for a movie: Mel Gibson and Harrison Ford each think the other one stole their family. It would be shout-tastic!

I just realized I’ll never again buy Mel Gibson shouting “Give me back my son!” unless it’s followed by a racial slur.

I’m outraged at the suggestion that I’m embedding superliminal messages in my tweets. (HAIL SATAN!!)

The nice thing about diarrhea is being able to prove, unequivocally, that you’re not full of shit.

I’m going to wear my paint stained pants to work today, because it subtly suggests a backstory for my character.

I’ll bet somewhere there’s a Pubic Library that has to deal with vandals adding an ‘L’ to their sign.