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This is why I’ll never be a vegan: six hours later I’m still tasting hummus.

“Tuna Feast,” because a housecat catching a 150lb salt water fish is natural. My cat also likes to leave dead rhinos on the porch.

When in doubt, boobs are the tiebreaker. RT @jonmhein: Trying to decide if Tara on True Blood or Sasha Grey on Entourage was more annoying.

And yet you gave “Operation: Endgame” an F… RT @nathanrabin: Zack Galifanakis will will win an Academy Award someday.

It’s amazing how taking down the divider between the urinals changes the dynamic of the men’s room. People are paranoid about their junk.

Just watched a motorcycle stuck behind a minivan with a plastic bag trapped on the axle for a quarter mile. I could feel the tension.

His kindly old features morphed into a smile as he leaned in and whispered “I’ve got a boner.” @pattonoswalt #lastlineofbadromancenovels